Excerpt From VOLUME II: 1964-1968

by bobbelvedere

I had my first sexual experience when I was six.

An Irish Catholic girl named Mary Pulchritude Pinochle, a crazed red-head [is there really any other kind?] in my Kindergarten class, assaulted me during nap time. I had just finished my usual snack of crackers and milk with bourbon and was lying face down in the soft toy bin when Mary struck. I must confess that I resisted at first because I had vowed to lose my virginity only to one of The Golddiggers, but, well…you know…what can I say but ‘redheads’ ― you understand. Anyway…ever since this incident, I have had an inordinate fear of flat-chested women, green Jello, and soft toys.

This explains why, a few years later, I rejected Ali McGraw’s advances made in the pediatric section of the Shriner’s Hospital & Hat Emporium. Love means never having to say: ‘Are those pimples?’

2 Comments to “Excerpt From VOLUME II: 1964-1968”

  1. Hee hee, you started young, Bob.
    Funny Blog.

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