Excerpt From VOLUME IV: 08:39 A.M October 04, 1972 – 1977

by bobbelvedere

In High School I was a member of The Civil War Club and often defended the Confederate States in debates. In my Senior Year, my classmates voted me Most Likely To Secede and Least Likely To Freak Out, Man, And OD [this was the ‘70’s, after all].

It was in my freshman year in English Class that I had my second sexual experience. The teacher, Miss Eeww Muff, had us perform 12 Angry Men. It was during rehearsals that I fell in love with the girl playing the title role, Loosey Morales. She was tall and built and looked like Joey Heatherton — if Joey Heatherton looked like Raquel Welch.

I’ll never forget the moment when I knew I was in love: it was Act II, Scene III, where Hamlet confronts his mother over the bill for lunch, insisting that they had agreed to go Dutch treat…perhaps I’m thinking of the wrong play. We both loved learning and so, one night, decided to test out some of the principles of physics. We complemented each other: I had the mechanical advantage and she knew how to multiply force over and over again. She also knew how to lever my fulcrum.

It was torqueuous affair. It did not end well: I wanted a career in show business and she wanted to manage Dairy Queens in the gay cow section of the Tenderloin District of San Francisco.

I was young and carefree in those days, as I had stopped giving to that particular charity when I discovered that the CARE packages were actually being sent to Mormons with underdeveloped shins. Nevertheless, I alwaysthemore.

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